OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
