true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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