Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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