This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
