i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
