I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
