how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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