You made me cry and you don't even care
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize