Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
