I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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