shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
