My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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