the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
