Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
