I can tuck mytits in my pants
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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