yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
