Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
