dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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