you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Randomize
