I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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