Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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