Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
