I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i dont even know how to be here
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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