Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
