gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
