Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
