and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
