that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
