Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How does one acquire holy water?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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