This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
