Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
