Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
