I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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