haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
