I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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