I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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