Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
