Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
