I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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