I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
