he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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