Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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