i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
