You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
