yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
