I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just invented taco cereal.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
