What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize