Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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