hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
