I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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