Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
