I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
