i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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