I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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