I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
