I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
